Random joke from this category
One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.
Joe then said:
- Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!
Bob then replies:
- It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years.
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie:
- Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?
- Well - says Sophie - when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash.
- What if he has an erection? - asks one of the women.
- Honey - says Sophie - on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux:
- Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back again?
Mrs. Boudreaux said:
- Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to cut the grass today, come Hell or High Water!!
This woman had a magic mirror from which anything you wanted you got, so one day she stood in front of the mirror and said I wish I had bigger breasts and it happened. So then she ran downstairs to show her husband. He was so amazed that he ran upstairs and stood in front of the mirror and said I wish my dick could touch the floor and his legs fell off!
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting:
- Silence in court!
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says:
- Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says:
- OK.
- Well - said Paddy - after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.
Shocked, the judge instantly responded:
- God, that must have hurt!
- Hurt? - Paddy replies.
- He broke three of my fingers!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
- You'll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.
- No, no no! I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister.
- Would it be right, - he asked, - for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?
- Absolutely not! - replied the pastor.
- In that case, - said the young man, - I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked:
- Will you buy booze?
The bum said:
- No.
The man asked:
- Will you gamble it away?
The bum said:
- No.
Then the man asked:
- Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:
- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.
Why do divorced men get married again?
→ Bad memory.
