Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says:

- Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says:

- I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says:

- I want the house.

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says:

- I want the kids too.

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says:

- I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says:

- Is there anything you want?

The husband says:

- No, I've got everything I need right here.

She asks:

- What's that?

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph...:

- I've got the airbag!

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:

- Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

What's the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?
→ When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:

- You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

- I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says:

- Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.

The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked:

- Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?

He replied:

- Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

- But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from? - she asked.

- Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it.

- Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

- Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

A blonde was swimming. She swam deeper and deeper until she drowned. Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him:

- One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife.

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks:

- Daddy, what was that?

Her father, still in a panic, says:

- Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly.

- Must've been a big butterfly - replied the daughter...

- Did you see the size of it's dick!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says:

- Who was that??!!

- Oh - replies the husband - that was my mistress.

- That's it - says the wife - I want a divorce.

- Ok - replies her husband - but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours.

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

- Who is that woman with Jim? - she asks.

- That's his mistress - replies her husband.

- Ours is much better looking. - says the wife.

- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner.

- and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

- That's a shame. - said his friend.

- How did it happen?

- She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!