Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

How is a marriage like a hot bath?
→ Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

- Wife: Do you think of me when you're away darling?

- Husband: Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:

- Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

- Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

- If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife:

- What did the doctor say?

- He said you're going to die - she replied.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says:

- Who the hell was that?

- Oh - replies the husband:

- she's my mistress.

- Well, that's the last straw - says the wife:

- I've had enough, I want a divorce.

- I can understand that - replies her husband:

- but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

- Who's that woman with Jim? - asks the wife.

- That's his mistress - says her husband.

- Ours is prettier - she replies.

A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife:

- You've got three choices; you can go Bear hunting with me, I'll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out.

- Make up your mind before I get back.

The man returns twenty minutes later and says:

- Well what's it gonna be?

She say's:

- There's no way I'm going Bear hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob.

A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says:

- Jesus, you taste like shit.

- Oh yeah - he replies - The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either.

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

- Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings.

- Oh, yeah, sure - says Bob sheepishly.

- Really? How long have you been wearing one?

- Ever since my wife found it in our bed!

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.

- I am. - said the man.

- I have a black horse and a brown horse - the farmer said - which one would you like?

The man thought for a minute and said:

- The black one.

- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.

- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.

- I think you've had enough, sir.

- I just lost my wife, buddy!

- Well, it must be hard losing a wife....

- It was almost impossible!

A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.

- Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news? - the lawyer asked.

- Give me the bad news first.

- Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.

- That's the bad news? - the man asked incredulously.

- I can't wait to hear the terrible news.

- It's of you and your mistress.

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.

- It is wonderful - the husband exclaimed.

- We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?

- Yes, you male chauvinist pig - his wife replied.

- Tonight, you cook dinner!