Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A biologist phones his wife from his office and says:

- Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up.

A week later he returned.

- Did you have a good trip, dear? - his wife asked.

- Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work - he exclaimed, and added:

- But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

- No I didn't - she replied - I put them in the box of field equipment!

It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained:

- I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.

- How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime? - we asked.

- It's simple - he said.

- When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk.

Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.

- I'll never understand women - said Joe.

- The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.

- Wow! That's quite some gift - said the bartender.

- So why are you so dejected?

- Well I thought about it for a while - said Joe,

- and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won't even speak to me!

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says:

- Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?

- Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?

- Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud:

- I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.

The clerk behind the counter said:

- Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods.

- Really?

- Yes sir...they're called bullets!

- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

- Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

- Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

- Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

- Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

- Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

- Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!

- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

- Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

- Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!

- Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

- Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

- Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"

- Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

A newly married man asked his wife:

- Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?

- Honey - the woman replied sweetly - I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!

- Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

- Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

- How was your blind date? - a college student asked her roommate.

- Terrible! - the roommate answered. He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce.

- Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?

- He was the original owner!

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

- Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

- Returned un-opened.

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

- My father grows beans - said one student.

- My father cooks beans - said another.

- Then little Johnny spoke up: We are all human beans.

- Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?

- Little Johnny: "He gets stepped on."

- Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"

- Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

- Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

- Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

- Congratulations - says the nurse to the new parents.

- What will you name the baby?

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says:

- Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong!

What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
→ Ruth-less.

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.

The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked:

- Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?

He replied:

- Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

- But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from? - she asked.

- Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it.

- Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

- Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.