Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

- What'll ya have? - he asked.

- Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose - she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.

- Yuck, that's nasty poison! - she spluttered.

- I don't know how you can drink this stuff!

- Well, there you go - cried the husband.

- And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

- Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

- Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

- Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked:

- Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

- Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love.

The old man replied:

- I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

- I've never been better! - he replies:

- I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says:

- Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

- So he's in the woods - the doctor continues:

- and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.

- That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear - the man said.

- Exactly.

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:

- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says:

- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

- Wow! What happened then? - they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered:

- She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.

- Let's kill a pig.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered:

- I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.

She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon!

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"