Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.

So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

- Where will you live? - asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us.

- And how will you live?

- I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.

That should be enough.

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked:

- And what if little ones come along?

- Well - said Little Johnny:

- we've been lucky so far!

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.

- It is wonderful - the husband exclaimed.

- We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?

- Yes, you male chauvinist pig - his wife replied.

- Tonight, you cook dinner!

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed.

Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said:

- Boy!!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring.

- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said:

- No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.

How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?
→ Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.

- Husband: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

- Wife: Your sense of humor.

- Cash, check or charge? - I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

- Do you always carry your TV remote? - I asked.

- No - she replied - But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager:

- How much is that new Barbie in the window?

The Manager replied:

- Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00.

- Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!? - Ralph asked surprised.

The Manager replies:

- Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture.

The judge said to Mickey "I can not grant you a divorce from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy" and Mickey said, "I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"