Random joke from this category
A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
- We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.
- Well, tell me! - the man said.
The policeman said:
- We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said:
- Give me the bad news first.
So the policeman said:
- I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay.
- Oh my god!, - said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.
Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked:
- What's the good news?
- Well, - said the policeman.
- When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.
- If that's the good news than what's the great news?! - Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said:
- We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said:
- I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.
- She did - he replied - But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says:
- Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas.
His wife say:
- That's wonderful. What should I pack for...
Europe, the Carribean?
He says:
- I don't care, just be gone when I get home.
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It's easy! I turn off the light!
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:
- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.
- Because - the man says:
- I live in a two-story house.
The Judge replies:
- What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?
The man answers:
- Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
- What's wrong with you? - she asked him.
- Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16? - he replied.
- And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.
Baffled, she said:
- yes, I remember. So?
- Well...
- I would have gotten out today!
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses.
- You know, honey - she said sweetly.
- Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.
- Honey - he replied with a grin.
- Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
→ He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
- My goodness! - the woman exclaimed - sounds like leasing a new sports car!
- Humm - the doctor murmured - too obvious, huh?
