Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
→ He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she'll die, to which the man said:

- OK.

Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home.

- OK - said the man.

- And you may give her my silver.

- OK - said he.

- You will also give her my jewelry.

- OK - said the man.

- And you will also give her my dresses - said the woman.

- This will not be possible - answered the man - you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10.

Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.

Then she wispered in his ear:

- I guess I'm just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.

Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said:

- You don't have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend:

- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- My wife found out..

- Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

- Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:

- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!

Martha replies:

- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?

The man responds:

- I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said:

- How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said:

- You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before.

He tore off his pants and said:

- Look at this. It's still in the crate!

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

- What's the matter? - the bartender asks.

- My wife and I got into a fight - explained the guy - and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.

The bartender thought about this for a while.

- But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you? - asked the bartender.

- Yeah, except today is the last night.

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

- Mother, Mother! - cried the girl.

- He says that we should sleep together!

- It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.

"Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

- Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!

- It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

- Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!

- Stand back, girl! - says the mother.

- This is a job for a real woman!

A wife complains:

- A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.

Her husband mumbled:

- Clock always was slow.

The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife.

The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out.

- Well - the man began.

- I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'why?' She replied, 'Because I love you'.