Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?

- Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market, - said the man.

- Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically, - remarked his friend.

- I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me.

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
→ The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.

I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible. I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.

- That's okay, honey - I said.

- You still have me.

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

- Yes - she wailed.

- but you don't work either!

My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was moved after seeing my father's eyes fill with tears. Mother took his arm, and looked at him affectionately.

- I never knew you were so sentimental - she whispered.

- No, no - he said, choking back his tears:

- that's not it at all.

Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?

- Yes - my mother replied.

- I remember it like yesterday.

- Well - said my father:

- today I would have be a free man!

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

- You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.

- Why? - asked somebody from the audience.

- I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years - the expert explained.

- She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

- One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

- Did it save time? - the guy in the audience asked.

- Actually, yes - replied the expert.

- It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

- Now I do it in ten...

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying:

- I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie.... Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked:

- How many times did you cheat on your wife?

The first man replied:

- Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.

The Lord replied:

- Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked:

- How many times did you cheat on your wife?

The second man replied:

- Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.

The Lord replied:

- I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked:

- So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

The third man replied:

- Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.

The Lord replied:

- I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.

- Why are you crying? - the two men asked.

- You got the mansion and limo!

The first man replied:

- I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!

An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE:

JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

YOUR LOVING HUSBAND

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him:

- If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

- Listen to this, - she said. - There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.

- Hmmm, - her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said:

- Would you swap me for a season ticket?

- Absolutely not, - he said.

- How sweet, - Sarah said. - Tell me why not.

- Season's more than half over, - he said.