Random joke from this category
Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.
As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked:
- Did you miss me?
I replied quite innocently:
- It's been so hard without you.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution:
- You don't want to try these techniques at home.
- Why not? - asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
- Did it save time? - the person in the audience asked.
- Actually, yes - replied the expert.
- It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked:
- Are they relatives of yours?
- Yes - his wife replied - I married into the family.
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
- Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? - he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
- I was a good father - he answers.
- Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said:
- Come on, Penny, let's get out of here.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
→ Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
→ They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:
- I haven't eaten anything for days.
She looked at him and said:
- God, I wish I had your willpower.
- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
- Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her.
- Don't let me spoil a good time for you, - she said.
After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself:
- I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.
She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.
She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.
He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.
She sat up and asked:
- Well, how was the party?
He replied:
- It was no fun without you honey.
She said:
- I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!
He replied:
- Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.
But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up:
- Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship, - the husband explained.
- She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.
He continued:
- She communicates well and I act like I'm listening.
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.
- Amazing, - said the shocked husband.
- Simply amazing! I just can't believe it.
- What can't you believe? - asked the detective.
- It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log.
- I know, I know! - said the man, still in shock.
- I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun.
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says:
- I want you to see this.
She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear:
- what do you have to say about this experiment?
He responds by saying:
- If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says:
- I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me.
The husband says:
- WHAT???
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says:
- but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says:
- I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.
The husband says:
- no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.
The wife face goes blank.
- No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says:
- You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!
