Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says:

- I want you to see this.

She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear:

- what do you have to say about this experiment?

He responds by saying:

- If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

- I assume - she snarled - that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?!

- There is - he replied.

- Breakfast!

- For our Twentieth, I'm taking my wife to Australia.

- That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth?

- I'm going to go back and get her.

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.

- Oh, no, it's my husband!

The man says:

- Where's your back door?

- We don't have a back door - says the woman.

The man then asks:

- Well, where do you want a back door?

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself:

- Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself:

- Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says:

- Darling, I've a confession to make.

And she says:

- So have I, love.

To which he replies:

- Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

- I demand proper manners in bed - she declared:

- just as I do at the dinner table!

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

- Is that better? - he asked, with a hint of a smile.

- Yes - replied the girl:

- much better.

- Very good, darling - the husband whispered.

- Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said:

- Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said:

- I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say:

- Come on in.

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said:

- Are you the people that broke the window?

- Uh yeah. Sorry about that - the husband replied.

- No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.

- OK great! - the husband said.

- I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.

- No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want? - the genie said, looking at the wife.

- I want a house in every country of the world - she said.

- Consider it done. - the genie replied.

- And what's your wish genie? - the husband said.

- Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said:

- Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright.

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said:

- How old is your husband, anyway?

- 35. - she replied.

- And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

A guy came home to his wife and said to her:

- Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!

- That's great - his wife said.

- Yeah, I thought so too - he agreed.

- You start on Monday.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!