Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party?
→ You're not owld enough.

What comes out at night and goes Munch, munch, ouch!
→ A vampire with a rotten tooth.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Chrysalis

- Chrysalis who?

- Chrysalis the cake for you!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Bootie

- Bootie who?

- Bootieful downtown Burbank!

- Reporter: What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?

- Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

- Not yet - replied little Johnny.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, now he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

- How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? - he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:

- Are you going to tell him, or should I?

Real Mothers . . .

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says:

- because I love you best.

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late.

- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- Super glue is forever.

- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello.

- VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

What do you think of Dracula films?
→ Fangtastic!

- Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit!

- Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.