Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says:

- See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one! The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike:

- See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says:

- You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl:

- Well, what do you have to say NOW?

So she pulls up her dress and says:

- My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

An old lady saw a little boy with a fishing-rod over his shoulder and a jar of tadpoles in his hand walking through the park one Sunday. "Little boy," she called, "don't you know you shouldn't go fishing on a Sunday?" "I'm not going fishing, ma'am," he called back, "I'm going home."

For his birthday the monster asked for a heavy sweater.
So they gave him a sumo wrestler!

Why did the bed spread?
→ Because it saw the pillow slip.

Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, "Watch out for worms won't you!" The first one replied, "Why should I? They can watch out for themselves."

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said:

- We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:

- Lead us not into temptation - she prayed

- but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.

And one particular four-year old prayed:

- And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.

A little boy was overheard praying:

- Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service:

- And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?

One bright little girl replied:

- Because people are sleeping.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered:

- If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough:

- You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.

- Why? Who's going to stop me? - Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church & said:

- See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson:

- If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'.

Kevin turned to his younger brother & said:

- Ryan, you be Jesus!

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

- Daddy, what happened to him? - the son asked.

- He died & went to Heaven - the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment & then said:

- Did God throw him back down?

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked:

- Johnny what is the matter?

Little Johnny responded:

- I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese:

- Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name....

Why is Hollywood full of vampires?
→ They need someone to play the bit parts.

What did the big, hairy monster do when he lost a hand?
→ He went to the second-hand shop.

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- Oh, no laundry - the boy said - I'm going to wash my dog!

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

- Oh, he died - the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added:

- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!

- Well - the boy replied - I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.

- Oh? What was it then?

- I think it was the spin cycle!