Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."

The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Mommy says, "That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Her mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"

The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"

How does a group of dolphin's make a decision?
→ Flipper coin!

What do you do when two snails have a fight?
→ Leave them to slug it out.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. - Bill Maher
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. - Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. - Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller

How are skunks able to avoid danger?
→ By using their instinks and common scents!

- What kind of math do owls like?

- Owlgebra.

- Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven?

- Yes, that's right.

- Well, I don't blame God for chucking her out.

When is a lion not a lion?
→ When he turns into his cage!

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

How do you weigh a whale?
→ On Whale Weigh Scales.