Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Top Ten Signs You're Becoming a Teenager

10. Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.
11. "Metal Mouth" and "Tinsel Teeth" have replaced your real name.
12. You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!
13. Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.
14. Even your zits have zits!
15. It's not safe to say the word "mall" around you.
16. Let's just say . . . sometimes you don't smell too good.
17. You've gone from "A". . . to "B" . . . to "C" . . . cup!
18. If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what you're wearing than what you're going to say.
19. If someone at your house is PMSing, it's not always your mom!

• Broken Bag-O-Glass
• Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
• Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
• Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
• Switchblade Barney
• Pork-n-Beany Babies
• Make your own moonshine kit
• Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)

- Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?

- Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.

- Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?

- Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.

- Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him?

- Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too.

- Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to???

- Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here...but they are busy too....

- Sales person: (by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!

- Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked...

"So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a fuckin' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."

One day a boy approached his mother with a question. "Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?"

His mother, very surprised, replies; "Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight".

The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...

"Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!"

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?," his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

Why do people go to bed?
→ Because the bed won't come to them.

How should you treat a baby goat?
→ Like a kid.

Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation?
→ At the Howliday Inn!

What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts?
→ Shark absorbers!