Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos were done?
→ I knew some day my prints would come!

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

- First Pupil: I visited my Nana.

- Teacher: Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.

- Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.

- Teacher: Please, you had a ride on a train.

- Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.

- Teacher: Excellent. And what was the name of the book?

- Third Pupil, with a big grin: Winnie The Shit!

Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer?
→ Because he wanted frozen pop.

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?

- No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face.

Why does a witch wear a pointed black hat?
→ To keep her head warm.

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed!

"Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!"

Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card".

"Oh," says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away!

"Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!".

Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well... I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard."

"Oh," says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was going out of style!

"Johnny!" his father said, "I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?"

Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!"

A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled.
"There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are named Leroy."

"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.

"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply. "Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath. "Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last name."