Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker.
"What do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy.

"Where is the baby?" asked his Mum.
"Under the bath."

My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world.

- Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map?

Tony shows him America.

- Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America?

- Lisa: Tony did!!

• There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
• If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
• A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
• It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
• A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Duplos will not.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jello.
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
• A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
• 2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"
• No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"
• You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof.
• Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater."
• Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
• Never light fireworks inside.
• Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
• Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.
• Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.
• Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
• Walnuts make the blender act funny.
• Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
• Collecting things is good.
• Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
• Eating string is a bad hobby.
• Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
• Finger painting is good.
• Finger painting walls is dangerous.
• If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?" It's too late!
• If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands." You don't want to know.
• If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth." You REALLY don't want to know!
• 'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.
• The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
• Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.
• Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.
• Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'.
• Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
• Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea.
• Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt.
• Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.
• Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
• "Why do fish float?" means trouble.
• Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..." is never a good sign.
• Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood.
• Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
• Cats get even.

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks: "What do you like best about it?"

"The artwork," says Robert.

"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Tits!"

"Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving."

Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
11. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
12. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
13. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
14. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
15. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list
16. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee
17. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!"
18. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown"
19. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

• I will not carve gods.
• I will not spank others.
• I will not aim for the head.
• I will not barf unless I'm sick.
• I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
• I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
• I will not conduct my own fire drills.
• Funny noises are not funny.
• I will not snap bras.
• I will not fake seizures.
• This punishment is not boring and pointless.
• My name is not Dr. Death.
• I will not defame New Orleans.
• I will not prescribe medication.
• I will not bury the new kid.
• I will not teach others to fly.
• I will not bring sheep to class.
• A burp is not an answer.
• Teacher is not a leper.
• Coffee is not for kids.
• I will not eat things for money.
• I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
• The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
• I will not call the principal "spud head".
• Goldfish don't bounce.
• Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
• No one is interested in my underpants.
• I will not sell miracle cures.
• I will return the seeing-eye dog.
• I do not have diplomatic immunity.
• I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
• I will never win an emmy.
• The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
• All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
• I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
• I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
• My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
• I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
• I am not deliciously saucy.
• Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
• The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
• I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
• There are plenty of businesses like show business.
• Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
• I will not waste chalk.
• I will not skateboard in the halls.
• I will not instigate revolution.
• I will not draw naked ladies in class.
• I did not see Elvis.
• I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
• Garlic gum is not funny.
• They are laughing at me, not with me.
• I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
• I will not encourage others to fly.
• I will not fake my way through life.
• Tar is not a plaything.
• I will not Xerox my butt.
• It's potato, not potatoe.
• I will not trade pants with others.
• I am not a 32 year old woman.
• I will not do that thing with my tongue.
• I will not drive the principal's car.
• I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
• I will not sell school property.
• I will not burp in class.
• I will not cut corners.
• I will not get very far with this attitude.
• I will not belch the National Anthem.
• I will not sell land in Florida.
• I will not grease the monkey bars.
• I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
• I will not do anything bad ever again.
• I will not show off.
• I will not sleep through my education.
• I am not a dentist.
• Spitwads are not free speech.
• Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
• High explosives and school don't mix.
• I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
• I will not squeak chalk.
• I will finish what I sta
• "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
• Underwear should be worn on the inside.
• The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
• I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?
→ I'd much rather have a jelly baby.

The kid ran out of the burlesque show.

The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.

The kid said, "My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!"