Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

One day there was a pregnant woman who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

The first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "Mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

"I pissed out a bullet."

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "Mom mom guess what, I pissed out a bullet." So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy and said "Mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "Let me guess, you pissed out a bullet."

"No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"

What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost.
→ Fasten your sheet belt.

A new neighbor arrives. The kids meet.

The local kid: "My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?"

The other kid answers, "Alaska".

The first one replies: "Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!"

How do you know if your little brother is turning into a fridge?
→ See if a little light come on whenever he opens his mouth!

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end."

"That, son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

"Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son," replies the father.

"No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.

"Did god make you?", she asked.

"yes" he answered.

"did god makeme, to?" she wondered.

"yes", he replied.

"well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white."

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said... "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Louise was watching her big sister covering her face with cream.

- What's that for?

- To make me beautiful.

Louise then watched in silence as she wiped her face clean.

- Doesn't work, does it?