Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Little Monster: I hate my teacher.

- Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Beets

- Beets who?

- Beets me, but I just forgot the joke!

- Dad, did you manage to fix my toy?

- No, it's not broken, the battery's flat.

- Well, what shape should it be?

True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:

We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a 'kiddy harness' to keep track of him, since he's an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.

As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly, "Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash."

Alex promptly looked at him and said, "Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!"

How does a Snowman get to work?
→ By icicle.

What does a polite monster say when he meets you for the first time?
→ Pleased to eat you!

From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are: 'Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'...

The Sleeping Alligator Story

- Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?

The Boy-Trap Warning

- Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.

- You: Uh-oh.

The Alphabet Trick

- Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet.

- You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z.

- Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.

The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler

- Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you?

- You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!

The Lure Of New Toys

- Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there.

- You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights.

- Bro/Sis: This time we won't.

The Snowflake Story

- Bro/Sis: Well I'll be!! Identical snowflakes!!

- You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!!

- Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.

The Movie Switcheroo

- You: Hey!! This isn't Bambi!!

- Bro/Sis: This's better'n Bambi.

The Elf

- Bro/Sis: I'd like you to meet Tom.

- You: I don't see anybody.

- Bro/Sis: Tom's invisible.

- You: Oh sure.

- Bro/Sis: He's an elf. If you're nice to him, he'll give you three wishes.

- You: Hi, Tom.

The Family Reunion, 20 Years Later

- Bro/Sis: I don't remember doing any of that stuff to you.

- Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain or, having children will turn you into your parents.

I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or 6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said, "Now you be a good boy or I'll tell Gramma how you were acting and she won't give you anymore cookies."

The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank, "Oh yeah? Well I'll tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddy's cock!"

The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Beth

- Beth who?

- Beth wisheth, thweetie!