Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
→ You wake up wet!

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered:

- Would you like me to be your friend?

The girl hesitated, then said:

- Okay, looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked:

- Why are you standing here all alone?

- Because - the little girl said with great exasperation - I'm the goalie!

True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:

We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a 'kiddy harness' to keep track of him, since he's an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.

As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly:

- Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash.

Alex promptly looked at him and said:

- Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!

From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are: 'Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'...

The Sleeping Alligator Story

- Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?

The Boy-Trap Warning

- Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.

- You: Uh-oh.

The Alphabet Trick

- Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet.

- You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z.

- Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.

The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler

- Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you?

- You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!

The Lure Of New Toys

- Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there.

- You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights.

- Bro/Sis: This time we won't.

The Snowflake Story

- Bro/Sis: Well I'll be!! Identical snowflakes!!

- You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!!

- Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.

The Movie Switcheroo

- You: Hey!! This isn't Bambi!!

- Bro/Sis: This's better'n Bambi.

The Elf

- Bro/Sis: I'd like you to meet Tom.

- You: I don't see anybody.

- Bro/Sis: Tom's invisible.

- You: Oh sure.

- Bro/Sis: He's an elf. If you're nice to him, he'll give you three wishes.

- You: Hi, Tom.

The Family Reunion, 20 Years Later

- Bro/Sis: I don't remember doing any of that stuff to you.

- Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.

Where do snowmen put their webpages?
→ On the winternet.

How do snowmen travel around?
→ By iceicle!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Beth

- Beth who?

- Beth wisheth, thweetie!

What kind of hair do oceans have?
→ ... Wavy hair.

What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket?
→ The Easter Barney!

I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or 6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said:

- Now you be a good boy or I'll tell Gramma how you were acting and she won't give you anymore cookies.

The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank:

- Oh yeah? Well I'll tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddy's cock!

The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.