Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

A Sunday school teacher asked her first graders:

- Where is God?

The room was filled with children that raised their hands to respond.

- Okay, Mary, Where is God?

- He is everywhere,

- Very good that's right.

But still there were two children that didn't put their hands down, so the teacher continued.

- Okay, Michael, Where is God?

- God is inside me.

- Very good that's right.

Now there was one boy sitting in the back of the class waiving his hand. He was the last child with his hand up, so the teacher called on him.

- Okay, Danny, Where is God?

- He's in our bathroom.

Well the teacher just had to ask:

- How do you know he's in the bathroom?

The answer came:

- Every morning my father knocks on the bathroom door and says, "My God are you still in there?"

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

- My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that! - said young Harry.

- Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that! - Tommy said.

- That's nothing! - declared little Johnny.

- My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!

- What's wrong, sonny? - asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.

- I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!

So the old man sat down and wept too.

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

- My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?

- Yes - said the Navy brat.

- My dad has built them.

Then the naval kid spoke:

- And do you know the Dead Sea?

- Yes.

- It's my dad who's killed it!

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.

To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.

I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top:

- IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

- MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

- It was enough to make anybody faint - he said.

- My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the condom out the window. His girlfriend got mad at him, she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car and went to find the condom. He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused.

- C'mon - he begged:

- I'll give u a dollar.

- Well - the little boy thought:

- Okay.

So the little boy ran home.

- Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says:

- See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

- Very good Sally - the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands.

- See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

- Very good Billy - the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.

- See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?

Still no one guesses.

- Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father.

Johnny shouts out:

- I know what it is, it's a horny bastard.

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

- Dad - the boy said finally - if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ...

- Yes, son? - the father said expectantly.

- What bus should I take home? - the boy finished.