Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked:

- What's so funny Pat?

- Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.

- Get out of my classroom - she yells.

- I don't want to see you for three days.

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks:

- What's so funny Billy?

- Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.

Again she yells:

- Get out of my classroom!

This time the punishment is more severe:

- I don't want to see you for three weeks.

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

- Where do you think you are going? - she asks.

- Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered:

- Hello?

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked:

- Is your Daddy home?

- Yes - whispered the small voice.

- May I talk with him? - the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered:

- No.

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked:

- Is your Mommy there?

- Yes - came the answer.

- May I talk with her?

Again the small voice whispered:

- No.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

- Is there anyone there besides you? - the boss asked the child.

- Yes - whispered the child

- a policeman.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked:

- May I speak with the policeman?

- No, he's busy - whispered the child.

- Busy doing what? - asked the boss.

- Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman - came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked:

- What is that noise?

- A hello-copper - answered the whispering voice.

- What is going on there? - asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice, the child answered:

- The search team just landed the hello-copper.

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked:

- What are they searching for?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

- Me.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says:

- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather replies:

- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says:

- Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.

The grandfather replies:

- I know. That's from your grandma.

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said:

- If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice.

The gent said:

- OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times.

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,
I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

With love,
Mike

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. "Why are you crying?" asked the other child. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger." When he heard this, the other child started to cry. "Why are you crying?" "I'm here for a urine test."

There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote forest. After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says, "Mister i'm scared and cold, please let me go," the child molester cries out, "You think your scared I have to walk home alone!"

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks:

- What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?

The little girl replies:

- I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says:

- I thought Barbie comes with Ken.

- No - said the little girl - She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

- Da-ad...

- What?

- I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

- No. You had your chance. Lights out.

[Five minutes later]

- Da-aaaad...

- WHAT?

- I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water??

- I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!

[Five minutes later]

- Daaaa-aaaAAAAD...

- WHAT??!!

- When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
→ Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."