Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Things Mom Would Never Say

• "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
• "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
• "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
• "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
• "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
• "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
• "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
• "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
• "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

You know you have turned into a Mom when...

• You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
• You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
• You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
• You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
• You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
• You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
• You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
• You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.

After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

Economics is ruining your life when...

• I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner
• I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked, "Why are you late little Johnny?"

Johnny replied, "My grandpa got burnt, Miss."

The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."

Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn't muck around!"

8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
10. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
11. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
12. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
13. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list
14. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
15. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"