Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor:

- Why do you want to join the Navy, son?

- My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.

- Oh? And what does your father do?

- He's in the Army, sir.

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.

- Mummy, mummy, what are these? - he says, pointing to her breasts.

- Well, son - she says - these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

- Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!

What do you mean? says his mother.

Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling:

- God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!

Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks "What's that mum?" His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, "That's where your dad accidentially hit me with an axe!" and little Harry replies, "Good shot, right in the CUNT!"

Little Joey and Little Danny, both aged 5, are walking home from school.

Danny says:

- I won't be going to school tomorrow.

- Why not? - asks Joey.

- I have to go to the hospital - says Danny woefully.

- That's awful - says Joey.

- Why do you have to go there? Are you sick?

Danny shakes his head and replies:

- I have to have a circumcision.

Joey stops dead in his tracks, an expression of complete horror across his face:

- That's Horrible! - he cries:

- Why, I had that done when I was born, and I couldn't walk for MONTHS!!

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing:

- You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Whell your dick is to small bastard!

The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation:

- You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats.

The boy shrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was watching his dad shave. Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut himself. The boy asked:

- dad what does that mean?

and his dad cleverly replied:

- That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using.

So the boy wandered into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and blurted out "Fuck". Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated mother snapped at him:

- It's french for cooking now go awnser the door! The company is already here!

So the boy went, oopened the door, and put his new vocabulary to use:

- Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts and dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!

Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world?
→ She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

- Sure you can, Mickey - Charlie said:

- Just flap your arms really really hard.

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said:

- What the hell happened?!?

Charlie said:

- I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him.

- Hey, Pop - pleaded Angelo - can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?

- What's the matter with you? - asked his father.

- Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?