Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

A Teenager is...

- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

- A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

- Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

- A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

- A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

- An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

- A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

- A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

- A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test.

First the teacher asks:

- Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?

Johnny replies:

- Legs.

So the teacher asks:

- Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?

- Pockets - Johnny replies.

Finally the teacher asks:

- And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?

- Rome - is his answer.

With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks:

- Well, shall we pass him?

- Better not ask me - the principal says.

- I got the first two wrong!

This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly. Going up to the kid, he said:

- That's a nice fire engine you got there, but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's neck.

- Yeah - the kid replied.

- But I wouldn't have a siren.

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

- What does the cow say?

- Moo!

- Great! What does the cat say?

- Meow.

- Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied:

- Bud.

- Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

- Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

- Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

- Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

- Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

- Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

- Mom: How?

- Daughter: Oh, stuff....

- Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

- Daughter: I don't know.....

- Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember

- Daughter: Really?

- Mom: Really...

- Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says:

- Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.

The teacher says:

- No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?

Another little boy stands up and says:

- Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.

Again the teacher says:

- No, that's wrong.

The teacher asks:

- Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?

Little Johnny stands up and says:

- Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.

- Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?

Little Johnny says:

- That's easy. Two plus two be fore.

The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described.

- Teacher: The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.

- Timmy: I know what it is, it's an apple.

- Teacher: That's right, I like the way you're thinking. OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it.

- Christopher: I know what it is, it's an orange.

- Teacher: That's right, I like the way you're thinking.

- Johnny: Can I try, Teacher?

- Teacher: Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!

Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says:

- Johnny: My object is round, hard, and has a head on it.

- Teacher: Alright Johnny, go to the office!

- Johnny: No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living:

- Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said:

- She's a doctor.

- That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?

Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said:

- My father is a mailman.

- Thank you, Amy - said the teacher.

- What does your parent do, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced:

- Nothing. He's an economist.

A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan.

She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.

Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.

The teacher looks at Josh and says:

- Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?

He says:

- Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!

She says:

- Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?

Josh says:

- Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan.

The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says:

- Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!

Josh says:

- Then I'd be a Laker fan!