Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC...:

- If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...:

- If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...:

- If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!

My Mother taught me ESP...:

- Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...:

- What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!

My Mother taught me HUMOR...:

- When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...:

- If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS...:

- You are just like your father!

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...:

- Do you think you were born in a barn?

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...:

- When you get to be my age, you will understand.

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...:

- Just wait until your father gets home.

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...:

- You are going to get it when we get home.

And my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE...:

- One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?" Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday." Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?" Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know.

Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."

She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs:

- HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!

The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered:

- Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'

She bought one of the hams.

Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs:

- HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!

She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."

At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the "damn ham."

Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said:

- That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice:

- Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

- I can't dear - she said.

- I have to sleep in Daddy's room.

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying:

- The big sissy.

One day in class the teacher has sex education.

On the black board she drawsa penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.

In the back ofthe room,Dirty Johnny stands and says:

- That's a penis,and my father has twoof them.

The teacher looks surprised and asks:

- What do you mean,two?

DirtyJohnny responds:

- A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sittersteeth.

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

- Excuse me, General - she asks quietly.

- but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides:

- I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads:

- WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:

- NOW THERE ARE TWO!

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says:

- My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail.

Little Jack says:

- My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better.

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says:

- Johnny, what does your Dad do ?

Johnny says:

- My Dad is dead.

- I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?

- He turned blue and shat on the carpet.

- Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh, really?

- Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris forpreschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

- Is that your grandmother? - I asked Chris when he boarded.

- Yes - Chris said.

- She's come to visit us for Christmas.

- How nice - I said.

- Where does she live?

- At the airport - Chris replied.

- Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her.