Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

- How did that happen? - gasped her mother.

- It wasn't easy - admitted her daughter

- but three girls helped me catch him.

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother." So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy." She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people".

- Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

- Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

- Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

What is the difference between boogers and spinach?
→ You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks:

- Is God male or female?

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds:

- Well, honey, God is both male and female.

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks:

- Is God black or white?

- Well, God is both black and white.

This further confuses him so he asks:

- Is God gay or straight?

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless:

- Honey, God is both gay and straight.

At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks:

- Mom, is God Michael Jackson?

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.

The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.

Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license.

He said:

- Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex.

Mom's Brownies Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr:

- no, no.

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.
Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot.
Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked:

- Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied:

- Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said:

- Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.

- Daddy, what are you doing? - asked little Johnny.

His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.

- I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice - replied his father.

Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said:

- Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?

- Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy?

- Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar.

- Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.

- Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!