Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Cross-Eyed Monster: When I grow up I want to be a bus driver.

- Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.

Why did the kid punch the bed?
→ His mother told him to hit the hay.

From Matt Groening's very funny "Big Book Of Hell", here are some philosophical theories shared by youngsters:

If you eat a bunch of fizzies (i.e. pop-rocks or the like) when you drink a glass of water, you will explode.

Dogs and bees can smell fear.

Nothing's impossible. Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the whole world in a fraction of a second.

If you throw a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, it will go a foot into the sidewalk.

There's a place in France where the ladies wear no pants.

If you cut open a golfball, the radioactive juice inside will blow up.

Rain is just God peeing on you.

If you die in your dream, you will die.

Adults are really Martians, and they're up to no good.

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him:

- One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife.

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks:

- Daddy, what was that?

Her father, still in a panic, says:

- Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly.

- Must've been a big butterfly - replied the daughter...

- Did you see the size of it's dick!

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
→ Hard cheese.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Courtney Pine

- Courtney Pine who?

- Courtney Pine tables, I need a new one!

Why do men resist becoming fathers?
→ Because they aren't through yet being children.

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- There's a car being towed from the parking lot - he said.

- An ambulance just drove by.

A few moments passed.

- Looks like the Andersons have company - he called out.

- Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

- How do you know that? - the startled father asked.

- Their kid is standing out on the balcony too - his son replied.

If your watch is broken, why can't you go fishing?
→ Because you don't have the time.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Bush

- Bush who?

- Bush your money where your mouth is!