Food Jokes — most viewed jokes

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

- I went to see my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking.

- What did he say?

- He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate.

- Did that do any good?

- No - I can't get the chocolate to light.

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills.

Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April?
→ One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!

Something to ponder... Do the workers at the Lipton factory get a coffee break?

What do you get if you cross a ghost with a packet of potato chips?
→ Snacks that go crunch in the night.

Why did the biscuit cry?
→ Because its mother had been a wafer so long.

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

- My sister went on a crash diet.

- Is that why she looks a wreck?

Why did the mouse eat a candle?
→ For some light refreshment!