Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.

It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.

Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black!"

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.

"Guess what, darling," he said, "Fifty years ago today you and I were wed."

"And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table," she said.

"We were naked as jaybirds, remember?" he blushed. "Oh yes," she giggled, "Why don't we take off our clothes right now?" "All right."

They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.

"Oooh, darling," she said, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."

"No wonder," he said, "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
→ "Today children, we will learn our ABC's"

- America's oldest lady was 115 years old today, and she hasn't got a grey hair on her head.

- How come?

- She's completely bald.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.

The old man just stared at him.

The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot...

I was just wondering if you were my son!"