Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

"Your teeth are like the stars," he said,
As he pressed her hand, so white.
He spoke the truth, for, like the stars,
Her teeth came out at night!

There were these three little old ladies sitting on a park bench minding their own business when suddenly a flasher jumped in front of them and exposed himself...the first old lady had a stroke...the second old lady had a stroke...but sadly the third old lady couldn't reach!!!

Are you getting older and wiser?
→ No, he's getting older and wider!

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, "What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?"

He replied, "I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear."

She asked, "And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?"

"I think I did a damn good job!"

An elderly man visits his doctor.

- Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit.

- Very well, let me see your sex organs, please.

The aged patient replied o.k. And stuck out his index finger and his tongue.

Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"

Edgar said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked.

"No, I don't," Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?"

"No," Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"

My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.

There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.

"Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day finally came.

"Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call."

So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!"

"Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out."

So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.

As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent, and I've never been happier!"

"That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd given it a chance."

Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.

When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!"

"But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I've got to run over there and get you?"

"Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

- Reporter: To what do you attribute your old age?

- Old Man: To the fact that I was born in 1890.