Random joke from this category
The Top Old Fart Games:
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"
"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".
"Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently", he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?"
Beatrice Lillie (Lady Peel) was once accosted by a haughty old dowager who scrutinized her through her lorgnettes.
"What lovely pearls, dear Beatrice," she maliciously remarked. "Are they real?"
"Yes," nodded Lady Peel.
"Of course," the dowager declared, "you can always tell real pearls by biting them. May I try?"
"Gladly," Lady Peel replied. "But remember, Duchess, you can't tell real pearls with false teeth."
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went."
"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Did you see where it went?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
Life of a Senior Citizen...
- I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
- Are you wearing it now?
- Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
- Wow! What kind is it?
- Twelve-thirty.
Why are false teeth like stars?
→ Because they come out at night.
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?" "I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "Ok, You are 47."
Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"
An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.
The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.
"Well.." she said "each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box"
"And what about the thousand pound?" asked the old man.
"Well..." Replies the woman "Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them"
