Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.

Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog

Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog

German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!

1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer

Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.

2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.

Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.

83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000

Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15

Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89

Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.

FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home

Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.

Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"

Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks

HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"

Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club

Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $.89/lb.

Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained

American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100

Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.

Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175

Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.

Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.

Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember

Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell

Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts

Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.

Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're coming?

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

• A few guppies short of an aquarium.
• A few inches short of a foot/yard.
• A few kernels short of an ear.
• A few kopeks short of a ruble.
• A few links shy of a chain.
• A few measures short of a staff.
• A few open splices.
• A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
• A few pickles short of a jar.
• A few pies short of a holiday.
• A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.
• A few points short of a polygon.
• A few revisions behind.
• A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.
• A few screws loose.
• A few shrimps short of a barbie.
• A few spoons short of a full set.
• A few straws shy of a bale.
• A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
• A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
• A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
• A few volts below threshold.
• A few yards short of the hole.
• A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
• A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
• A lap behind the field.
• A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
• A looney tune.

Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.

Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask "how did you catch those?"

Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!

So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try. They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy".

Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"

Paddy asks "do you have a fish Sean?"............

No replies Sean, "there's a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!"

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
→ Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

• Calls people to ask them their phone number.
• Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
• Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
• Can easily be confused with facts.
• Can only remember her old passwords.
• Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
• Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
• Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
• Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
• Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
• Carrier wave unmodulated.
• Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
• Cart can't hold all the groceries.
• Cauliflower for brains.
• Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
• Charming as a carbuncle.
• Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
• Cheezwiz for brains.
• Chimney's clogged.
• Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
• Collects cards for Craig.
• Communications with him is limited to ping.
• Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
• Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed.
• Contributes to the population problem.
• Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
• Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
• Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
• Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.

- Pigs don't look very smart to me.

- Sure, they are. You ever see a sow try to make a silk purse out of a farmer's ear?

Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"

Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5: I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

- Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive?

- Individual: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):

- Individual: Now what do I do?

- Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

- Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."

- Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

- Individual: How do you spell that?

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"