Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

- Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

- Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

- Stan: In the bathroom

- Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

- Stan: Blindfold them!

The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14 days without winding.'
'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how long will it go if you do wind it?'

Insurance Form Statements...

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "No - We talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it!"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me! Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

- Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

- Caller: Hi, is this the police?

- Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?

- Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

I woke up, went for a walk, my head fell off and rolled away. I picked it up and put it on. A child walked up to me and said: "Good grief, where are your feet?"
I must have left them in bed!

Woo-hoo...check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

• "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
• "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. . . ."
• "The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?"
• "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."
• "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
• "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
• "The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
• "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
• "Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it."
• "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."
• "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
• "Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us."