Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Where are the germs that cause "good" breath?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?

Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?

Why do people tell you when they are speechless?

Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

Think you're having a bad day.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scubatanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handyplank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)

ATT announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding.

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.

Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)

A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski.

More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel.

Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that a Hyundai. (Leno)

Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.

And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

What happened to the Polish National Library?
→ Someone stole the book.

A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree.
Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough. While trying, he falls to the ground. They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls. The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree.
The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy. He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree. "OK guys, the tree is 14' 6."
He then gets in his truck and drives away. The two botanists are stunned and speechless. Finally one says to the other, "How do you like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree and that stupid jerk measures the width."

• He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
• He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
• He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.
• He writes blank checks on a closed account.
• He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to
• He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.
• He's a General Protection Fault trigger.
• He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.
• He's diagnosable.
• He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
• He's not stupid he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.
• Hears everything that a dog can.
• Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.
• Her access time approaches infinity.
• Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
• Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
• Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain.
• Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
• Her cache is incoherent.
• Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
• Her dialing thumb must be broken.
• Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
• Her files are compressed 100%.
• Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
• Her input pipe is broken.
• Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
• Her leads need resoldering.

There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead. They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the head one at a time.

First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 1-2-3 but before they could shoot she yelled TORNADO and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.

Then the redhead stepped up and they aimed and yelled 1-2-3.. but before they could shoot she screeched FLOOD and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her. They didn't like people yelling fake incidents.

Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled 1-2-3 and the blonde yelled FIRE!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

30 things people actually said in court

What is your date of birth?
→ July 15th
What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in the moment of impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
→ Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
→ I forget.
You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

How old is your son, the one living with you?
→ 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
→ 45 years

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

And where was the location of the accident?
→ Approximatly milepost 499.
And where is milepost 499?
→ Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Sir, What is your IQ?
→ Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Did you blow your horn or anything?
→ After the accident?
Before the accident.
→ Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
→ We both do.
Voodoo?
→ We do.
You do?
→ Yes, Voodoo.

Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
→ Yes
Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
→ Yes sir
What did she say?
→ What disco am I at?

Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Did he kill you?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How many times have you committed suicide?

So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
→ Yes.
What were you doing at the time?

She had three children right?
→ Yes.
How many were boys?
→ none.
Were there any girls?

You say the stairs went down to the basement?
→ yes
And these stairs, did they go up also?

Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
→ I went to Europe, Sir.
And you took your new wife?

How was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
→ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Can you describe the individual?
→ He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?

Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
→ All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
→ Oral

Do you recall the time you examined the body?
→ The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
→ No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
→ No.
Did you check for blood pressure?
→ No.
Did you check for breathing?
→ No.
So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
→ No.
How can you be so sure, Doctor?
→ Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
→ It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.