Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

- Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!

- No problem. Hop up on the couch.

A man calls his family doctor:

- Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.

- Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help.

- Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back.
"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid."
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder.
"Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me

- One at a time please

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

"Eight..."

"Seven..."

Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"

Edgar said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked.

"No, I don't," Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?"

"No," Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"

Psychiatrist to his nurse:
"Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says:

"Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."