Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"

The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor.
"Nope," she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge

- What's come over you?

- Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog

- What's wrong with that

- I think I'm going to croak

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she's a spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Really...wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds...

"Well of course I don't."

"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

- Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a moth.

- So why did you come around then?

- Well, I saw this light at the window...!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider

- What a web of lies!

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
→ He charges you double.