Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2. At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3. For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.
4. Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."

The woman said, "I'm glad of that, doctor, but I'm Miss Brown."

"Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be, "He and my husband don't get along."

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one ... but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change!

A man walks into a doctors office one day with a frog on his head.

He sits down and the doctor says, "What's the problem?"

The frog says, "Doctor, is there any way you can get this wart off my ass?"

Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation.

They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on. The first doctor said, "I like to work on electricians."

"Why?" the others replied.

He answered, "When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes."

The second doctor said, "I like to work on librarians."

"Why?" the other doctors asked.

He replied, "Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern."

The third doctor said, "Well, I like to work on lawyers."

"Lawyers?!" replied the others suprised.

"Yes, Lawyers" he stated.

"But why?" they asked him.

"Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are interchangable."

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

- What took you so long to answer?

- I was in bed.

- What were you doing in bed this late?

- Getting a second opinion.

- Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.

- Doctor: Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible.

- Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."

"How?" asked Joe.

"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.