Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!" "I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor:

- Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the organ?

- Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in business?

- Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that have to do with anything?

- Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her: "Well, what can I do for you madam?".

The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: "You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential."

So the patient says: "My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?"

"Sure", the doctor says, "It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment."

The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards her, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand and a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?" shouts the patient.

"Nothing", says the doctor, "I'm just going to open the roof window a little."

A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says "Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me."

"Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over." The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up.

The doctor is quite surprised: "I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords."

"W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?"

"Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches"

"I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it."

Six months later the guy goes back to the doc. "Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off".

The doc replies "F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!"

A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, it's embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

"Gee, what are you taking for it?"

"Snuff."

The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news." Bill said, "Give me the good news." "They're going to name a disease after you."

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said, "Please give me a prescription for the Pill."

- I don't think you need the Pill at your age.

- It relaxes me.

- But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing.

"I know," said Mrs. Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed."

A man calls his family doctor:

- Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.

- Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help.

- Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.