Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

- Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?

- Maybe, what made them sick?

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.

When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.

This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.

It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.

The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said...

"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".

After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?" "Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear".

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!

What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
→ With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a computer.

- My goodness, you'd better come to my surgery right away!

- I can't, my power cable won't reach that far.

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER

- Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great, But... there are problems that can't wait! Now Benton's fine, and Carter too, But Ross and Susan just won't do! Now who do you think that we should hire, Since both of them today I'll fire?

- Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...

- Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...

- Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt... But the paramedics just pulled up.

- Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?

- Shep: This little boy has just been shot! His pulse is faint, his breath is weak. We did all we could to stop the leak.

- Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip...

- Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?

- Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair, So I shoved her--lightly--down some stairs.

- Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three! Doug and Susan! Come with me!

- Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see? We've got some more; one, two, and three.

- Kerry: You've got three more? How can this be? Explain it, tell it all to me!

- Riley: Well, Shep was driving. Really fast. A light turned red. Shep hit the gas. We hit a car, it hit two more. Soon the total rose by four. Another bang! Another crash! But we couldn't stay, we had to dash! We grabbed these three but I am sure, The injured totaled sixty score!

- Carter: These people really are a mess! Their injuries I cannot guess! It makes me sick, my knees are weak, A toilet I must soon go seek...

- Benton: It's ok Carter! Stay on your toes! It doesn't get worse than this you know! To Trauma four let's take these three. You can do it, come with me!

- Green: Ok, let's get this boy on the table. To save his life if we are able!

- Haleh: Dr. Green! This boy is cyanotic! I can't find a pulse... oh, wait I've got it! But it is weak! Oh, woe is us!

- Doug: Give him saline! IV push! CBC, chem 7, stat! We will save him, bet on that! Oh no, he's showing poor perfusion! Lydia, start a blood transfusion!

- Lydia: But Dr. Ross, I hate to say. The blood bank didn't come today! We're out of blood, I can't believe!

- Doug: Here, use mine! (rolls up his sleeve)

- Kerry: We need some help! There's been a crash! Someone's heart stopped with a flash! But Dr. Benton saved the day, And Carter's going to be ok.

- Susan: What can I do, where can I go? I'm not incompetent you know! I deserve a chance and with good reason, I only killed one guy last season!

- Mark: It's fine! It's done, the kid's ok. We're sending him up on his way. To surgery he's off to go, They must sew up that bullet hole. But Dr. Ross, he's out of sorts... We had to take a dozen quarts.

- Benton: Ok, we're done. I did it all. I used a double breasted suture saw. I closed them up, I fixed their ills. I patched their wounds, I gave them pills. I have their livers in this sack. I did it all, behind my back. I need more patients, give me more! I just cured three, now give me four!

- Carter: What happened? Did I miss it all? I saw some blood. I took a fall. But it doesn't matter, we saved the day!

- Carol: Get ready! There's more on the way!