Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?
→ Between you and me we could make a lot of money!

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband:

- When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?

The husband replied:

- All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked:

- What are you thinking now?

He replied:

- It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
→ It's for the Christmas period.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
→ Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.

- I guess you must be in the fifth - she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.

After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.)

The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money.

Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic.

Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the jukebox starts playing.

Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.

As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says:

- Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?

The barber says:

- Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?

The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor.

The barber says:

- What are you doing?

Cronin says:

- Well, fuck, I'm leaving now.

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.

"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said 'goat'."

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

- Can I see it? - asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptly dropped his pants to show off his cock.

- Oooh - squealed his friend:

- You look ten years younger!

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.

- Please I need to get back to England - she pleaded.

- If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean.

Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said:

- When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect.

And being true to her word she agreed.

This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her.

- Please don't get angry - she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing.

- Why are you laughing? - she demanded.

He said:

- Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry.