Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says:

- Ok, old fellow, time to retire.

The old rooster says:

- You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!

The young rooster replies:

- Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.

The old rooster says:

- Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you.

The young rooster says:

- Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster:

- I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.

The young rooster says:

- You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck:

- Go!

and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says:

- Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.

One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.

He went up to the shop assistant and asked:

- Could I have a fucket please?

The assistant asked:

- Pardon sir?

- Can I have a fucket please? - Replied the man.

- Oh you mean a bucket! - The shop assistant replied.

The old man said:

- Yes, that's what I said.

So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked:

- Can I have a cock please?

The cashier looked very puzzled and asked:

- Pardon?

The man again asked:

- Can I have a cock please?

The cashier replied:

- Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir.

So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked:

- Can I have a bum please?

The assistant said:

- Sorry sir what did you say?

So he repeated himself:

- Can I have a bum please?

The assistant said:

- Oh right, you mean a bun!

The old man said:

- Yes that's what I said in the first place.

So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked:

- Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?

The man replied:

- Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out.

- Doctor, - the embarrassed man said.

- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.

- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas, - the medic said.

- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.

The doctor took the husband aside.

- You're in perfect health, - he said.

- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents. The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"

A Ken and Barbie Joke: Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
→ Because Ken always comes in a box!

In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms. Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to the investigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the independent prosecutor's team will drill Monica prior to her testimony, beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.

How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?
→ Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, and clitorises?
→ They miss them all.

This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now.

- Doctor: What happened to you?

- I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!

- But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn't cause that much damage!

- Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!

The three dwarves were in Rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They got to talk to the Mother Superior.

- Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?

- Sorry, but there are no dwarf nuns here.

- Well, are there any in the city?

- No, there are no dwarf nuns.

- What, none anywhere in Europe?

- No, little man. None in the entire world. Take my word for it.

At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.

The Mother Superior asks:

- What's so funny?

- Dopey just fucked a penguin.