Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What did the normal baby say to the test tube baby?
→ Ha..ha... your dad's a jerk off!

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick."

The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ breasts don't have eyes

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
→ A tea bag.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
→ Artificial intelligence.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
→ Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
→ Nothing. They've never met.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
→ After a dye job.

Why did God create blondes?
→ Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
→ So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
→ She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
→ She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
→ To catch everything that goes over their heads.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
→ "Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow !"

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"