Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A priest and a Nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.

The nun and the Priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things...during their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.

The Nun then shyly speaks:

- I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a man's legs.

So the Priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her:

- This is a tool...the tool that gives life.

The nun thinks for awhile, and says:

- well then Mr, how about you shove that thing up that dead camel's ass!

Everyone hear the news about Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty being expelled from Disneyland?

Apparently all three were co-conspirators in the kidnapping of Pinocchio.

For several days, they tied him up, and each took turns sitting on his face, telling him to lie, lie, lie!!!

There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs & says: "Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.

"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth."

The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.

So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks: "Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"

"Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out.

The next day he walked in on his mom & says: "Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy's face with it!"

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
→ A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What did the blonde say during a porno?
→ "There I am!"

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was:

- Yes.

Asked how she used it, she said:

- To assist sexual intercourse.

The interviewer was amazed.
He said:

- I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?

- Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said:

- We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue.

The woman said:

- My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave.

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward.

- Take her to Turning Walter!

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said:

- There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added:

- And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said:

- You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?

The boy replied:

- Canada, sir.

- Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada? - asked the manager.

The boy replied:

- They're all just whores and hockey players up there.

- My wife is from Canada!!

The boy replied:

- Really?? What team did she play for?

There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said:

- It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer.

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said:

- Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?

He said:

- Why,... Yes I am!

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered:

- Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.

- Oh really? What's it telling you now? - she inquires.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast!