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Strange Sex Laws

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures.

In Natoma, Kansas; It's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

In Vermont: It's against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

In Alabama: It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

In Barber, North Carolina: It's illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

In Clawson City, Michigan: It's illegal to sleep with chickens.

A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.

In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.

The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.

In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.

You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.

There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.

In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.

Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.

On the books in Tennessee:

In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!

It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.

It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.

Adam's New Organs

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.

One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."

Radio Game

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

- Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

- Brian: Yeah, sure.

- Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

- Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

- Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

- Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

- Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

- Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.

- Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

- Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

- Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

- Brian: Yeah, alright.

- Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

- Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

- Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

- Sharelle: Hi Brian.

- Brian: Hi Sharelle.

- Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

- Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

- Sharelle: O.K.

- Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

- Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

- Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

- Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

- Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

- Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

- Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

- Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

- Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

- Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

- Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

- Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence

Dirty One-Liner Riddles

What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
→ We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving

Three words to ruin a man's ego...
→ "Is it in?"

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
→ If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
→ He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
→ Nothing.

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

What's the ultimate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

How are women and tornadoes alike?
→ They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
→ Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

How does a man keep his youth?
→ By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
→ Hair balls.

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
→ Come in five flavors

What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
→ Crust

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
→ If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
→ A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
→ By sticking your finger in his honey

What is the ultimate rejection?
→ When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
→ I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
→ A blow job with handle bars

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
→ A mobile sperm bank.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
→ All you can eat for under a buck.

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
→ A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
→ A cherry float.

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
→ Beat IT -we're closed.

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
→ To find a tight seal.

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
→ Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What's the difference between sin and shame?
→ It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
→ She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Why is air a lot like sex?
→ Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
→ He heard the snow blower coming.

Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
→ She's withholding evidence

What's the difference between light and hard?
→ You can sleep with a light on.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
→ Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
→ You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
→ Their balls are just for decoration.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?
→ A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ He wiped his arse on a leaf.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
→ When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
→ A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
→ His wife died.

How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?
→ The cake jumps out of the girl.

How do you recycle toilet paper?
→ Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full up.

What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
→ You can eat your mums apple pie

What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?
→ Mobile phones are for arseholes.

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?
→ Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?
→ Put a nipple on it.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.

The answer. A cockrobin.
The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.

What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
→ Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.

Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?
→ Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How is pubic hair like parsley?
→ You push it to the side before you start eating.

Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
→ Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.

What is the difference between women and computers?
→ Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.

What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?
→ Hanson.

What has 4 legs and 8 arms?
→ A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.

Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?
→ Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
→ One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."

What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as a choir boy.

Why do tampons have strings?
→ So you can floss after eating.

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.

What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?
→ Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.

Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
→ They both dig dead peoples holes.

What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?
→ One is a hunt on the course...........

What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?
→ If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.

What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?
→ A blood vessel.

Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?
→ Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
→ A seagull flits along the shore.

What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?
→ A pimp.

What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
→ Michael Jackson's hand.

What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"
→ A blind person with a Rubix cube.

What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?
→ A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.

What should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
→ Wipe it off and apologise.

Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?
→ He cant go into a cubicle alone.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
→ The sex is the same but you get the remote.

What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?
→ odour eaters.

How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?
→ Its not hard.

What should you do if your bird starts smoking?
→ Slow down, and try using Vaseline.

How do you make a dog drink?
→ Put it in the blender.

Why did god put men on earth?
→ Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
→ A pick pocket snatches watches.

What's white and clings to the wall?
→ George Michael's latest release.

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
→ You cant gargle with sand.

The Scotsman and the Stones

What is the difference between a Scottish man and a member of the Rolling Stones?
→ A member of the Rolling Stones says:

- Hey you! Get off my cloud!

The Scot says:

- Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!

The Perfect Day

The Perfect Day According To...

HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - SEX
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 - SEX
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - SEX
6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart

Three Babies Talking

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line. The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!" The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!" And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad? How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

Off to Barcelona

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises:

- Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo...

- What are you doing? - enquires the doctor.

- I'm taking a train down to Barcelona - replies the man.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

- And what are you doing? - asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

- Well - pants the man - While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife!

Upmanship

An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life.

- Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.

- Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.

- Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife...she goes wild!

Three Limericks

Although Cupid got all the girls hot,
a great lover himself he was not.
They would say, "Sorry, sport,
but your arrow's too short--
What we want is what Hercules' got."

Euphemism is all very well,
but if I really am going to hell,
I'd rather it be for lechery,
not for "loving the ladies too well."

Juno's measure of fury was full,
but Zeus had a trick he could pull.
He said, "Surely, my dear,
whatever you hear
from Europa is all cock and bull."

Oh a pussy's a timorous beast,
needing petting and patience at least,
but she'll alter completely,
if handled quite sweetly,
and sit up and roar when she's greased.