Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man:

- from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles.

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

- My God! - he said, where are your testicles?

- back in Vietnam! - the general replied.

One day, a man complained to his friend:

- My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.

His friend said:

- Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.

It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in this sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:

- I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

- This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.

- I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.

- Thank you. - Monica Lewinsky

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says:

- Seven Points.

His wife rolls over and says:

- What in the world was that?

The old man replied:

- It's fart football!

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says:

- Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says:

- Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says:

- What the heck was that?

The old man replied:

- Half-time, Switch sides!

The preacher rose with a red face.

- Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!

No one moved.

The preacher continued:

- Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:

- Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

- I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

- I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
→ Toys for Twats.

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot. The pro said:

- Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.

The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said:

- That was excellent! Let's try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth.

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies:

- Bring me a beer.

The bartender then asks:

- Anheuser-Busch?

To which she replies:

- Fine thanks, and how's your cock?

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said:

- Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

- How am I doing? - he asks.

- Three knots - she replies.

- Three knots? What's that mean?

- You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back.