Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says:

- I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful.

James said:

- Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.

Ron was so jealous:

- Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?

- Nope - James replied:

- I couldn't find her head!

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

- No - she says,

- they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:

- I had an affair with a woman - almost.

The priest says:

- What do you mean, 'almost'?

The man says:

- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies:

- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:

- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied:

- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?
→ Just look at your drivers license!

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.

- How are you, Richard? - asked George.

- I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted - replied Richard.

- I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me.

- I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired - said George.

Richard yawned and said:

- Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night.

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.

A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.

The blonde was very upset as she screamed:

- This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie:

- Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?

- Well - says Sophie - when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash.

- What if he has an erection? - asks one of the women.

- Honey - says Sophie - on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

- Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo.

- Don't cry, little one. - replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quite pleased with herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.

The witch asked him why he was crying.

- Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo.

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and POOF, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing.

- I don't know where the wizard is - he sobbed.

- Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad - said the good witch.

Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male:

- They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.

- A better model is just around the corner.

- They look nice and shiny until you get them home.

- It's always essential to have a backup.

- They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.

- The best part of having one is the games you can play.

- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

- The lights are on but nobody's home.

- Big power surges knock them out at night.

- Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female:

- They're oh so picky, picky, picky.

- They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

- Beauty is only shell deep.

- When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.

- They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

- They are always turning simple statements into big productions.

- Small talk is important.

- You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

- They make you take the garbage out.

- Miss a period and they go wild.

A little boy and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little boy says to the little girl:

- I have a Nintendo!

Little girl says:

- Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a Nintendo!

Little boy says:

- So, my dad's a doctor!

Little girls says:

- My dad's an astronaut!

Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally the little boy pulls down his shorts and proclaims, "But I have on of these!!!!" and shows the little girl his penis.

The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home. The next day, the little girl spots the little boy and proudly announces:

- My mom said that with one of these (pointing to her's) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!