Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day just talking about the business. The youngest one complained:

- You know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I don't think I can stay in business at those prices.

Her Mom thinks for a while and says:

- Well dear, in my day we would give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to get that!

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says:

- The both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during the depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!

Ok guys, own up...which one are you?

• Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
• Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
• Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
• Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.
• Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
• Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.
• Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
• Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.
• Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.
• Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
• Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.
• Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.
• Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
• Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
• Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.
• Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.
• Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
• Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.
• Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.
• Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

- Oh God! - she screams.

- Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!

- Let's go - says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.

- What seems to be the problem? - he asks.

- I've got a frigging bee up my vagina - screams the woman.

- Get it out!

- I see - says the doctor.

- Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

- Just an inch or two should do it - he says.

After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way. Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

- HOLD IT! - says the boyfriend

- What are you doing?

- Change of plans! - shouts the doctor...

- I've decided to drown the little bastard!

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

- Blimey - Ed said.

- I've never seen one like that before!

- Like what? - Ted said.

- All twisted like a pigs tail - Ed said.

- Well what's yours like? - Ted said.

- Well straight like normal - Ed said.

- I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours - Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.

- What did you do that for? - Ted said.

- Shaking off the excess drops - Ed said.

- Like normal.

- Shit - Ted said.

- And all these years I've been wringing it!

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

- To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.

- Of course, - she smiled.

- I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while.

The old woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.

One day, the woman went to the bench, but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!

- What does SHE have that I don't? - She screeched.

He looked up at her and smiled.

- Parkinsons, - he replied.

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.

- Say, what's your name, mister? - she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

- It's Snow, Roy Snow, and what's yours? - he answered.

- I'm June, June Hansen - she said.

- Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? - she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.

- Can you imagine what it might be like, having eight inches of Snow in June? - he countered with a question of his own.

Men are like....
Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like....
Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ....
Vacations. They never seem long enough.

Men are like....
Bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ....
Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.

Men are like....
Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.

Men are like....
Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.

Men are like....
Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like....
Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like....
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like....
Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like....
Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like....
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like....
Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.

Men are like....
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like....
Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ....
Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

What is Monica's favorite chinese food?
→ Cream of sum young guy.