Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
→ To keep the swelling down.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says:

- Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.

The guy responds:

- Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.

- Great!, - responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference.

- You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.

- But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.? - asks the guy.

- Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...

All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:

- Hello, how's the whole family doing??

The son, who answered the phone, answers:

- Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'.

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling:

- Well, how was it?

The woman says:

- You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor.

This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!

The emperor says:

- That is very impressive!

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH.

The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces!

The emperor says:

- That is really impressive!

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Jewish samurai thinks:

- If it works for the other two...

So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH!

A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment:

- Why is the fly not dead?

And the Jewish samurai replies:

- Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said:

- It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.

Adam answered:

- Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said:

- Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.

And the Lord replied:

- Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.

And Adam said:

- What is a 'caress?'

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said:

- Lord, that was even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said:

- You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.

And Adam asked:

- What is 'make love' Lord?

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said:

- Lord, what is a 'headache?'

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

- This is your doctor - says the voice on the phone.

- We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

- G.A.S.H? - replies the patient.

- What the hell is that?

- It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes - explains the doctor.

- My gosh, Doc! - screams the man in a panic.

- what are we going to do?

- Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread - says the doctor matter-of-factly.

- Will that cure me?

- Well no - says the doctor.

- but it's the only food that will fit under the door.