Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.

MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.

The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!

There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit.

The first girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a complete makeover and new hair-do. The guy thinks that is really nice.

The second girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a new see through nightie. The guy thinks that is really nice too.

The third girl comes back and puts a wad of money onto the table in front of him.

- What's this ? - he asks.

The girl explains that she has taken the $150 and invested it and made $2000 with it. The guy is really impressed by this but now he has to go away and decide who he will keep. So who do you think he picks ????? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

The one with the biggest BOOBS, of course!

Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, "HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?!".. and one of the guys says, "the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE"

Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana

Instructions:

1. look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2. Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3. Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4. Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5. Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6. Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl."

NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

- Are you the owner? - she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no - he replies. I'm just the manager.

- Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him. - she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the manager - clearly aroused, he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message. - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him - she says - that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!

Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming:

- My penis just died, my penis just died!

The nurses calm him down, and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him:

- I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?

Grandpa replies:

- Yes, it did... but today is the viewing!

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said:

- You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt.

- Well I might try something like that - said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway.

- John! - says the doc.

- Haven't seen you in a while! How's those headaches?

- Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice! - said John.

- Hey, that's fantastic! - said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

- Say, Doc! - yelled John, down the hall,

- Nice place you got there!

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks:

- Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?

Liza Jane was startled and said:

- No Rastus you cain't!

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said:

- Alright if'n it will shut you up you can.

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her:

- Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?

Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him:

- Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?

Rastus replies:

- What's that?

- Every time you look up my dress you says, 'Sho is a wonder.' Sho is a wonder what?

To which Rastus replies:

- Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!

It was just another day and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I whipped out my Million Dollar Bar and whispered:

- Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like Crunch on My Big Hunk - she replied - Oh Henry, what a Whopper.

Well she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was pure Almond Joy. I couldn't resist her Charms and reached out and grabbed her Mounds, it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger slipped into her tight little Kit Kat as she screamed:

- Oh Henry, Oh Henry soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut's. It wasn't long before I blew my Milk Duds to Mars, which gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked about M&M, but I said:

- Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff you little Reese's pieces.

- Don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you grab my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed:

- Oh you Cracker Jack, better than the Three Muskteers - as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty when all of a sudden...my Starburst! Yeah as luck would have it she started to get Chunky, complained of a Wrigley in her stomach and nine months later out popped:

- BABY RUTH.

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

- That's OK with me, honey - says her husband.

- I'll go get some wood for the fire.

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

- What on earth happened to you dear? - he asks.

- Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!

- Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them! - the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

- Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue! - he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8, steps forward, a shotgun in his hand.

- I did it - he bellows.

- What you got to say about it?

The husband answers meekly:

- I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.